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Thursday, August 09, 2007

I feel really hurt...

Last sat was my sch's open house and he said that he would come and see me then pick me up...
I was elated and i even happily told Alycia and joanne repeatedly in the morning that my dar was coming...
Then he called me to tell me in a irritated tone that he was still buying shoes...
i really tried to control...i really did.I din breathe a word to him about my dissapointment.All i wanted was to meet him after all i din c or talk to him at all on Fri as he had sch service at fmss. Oh wells i noe that that very evening he had his sch's version of prom so he was rushing to get shoes. Bt it still hurt inside...
So bad that i went home alone and cried in the mrt...i felt so stupid that i pretended to yawn and wiped away my tears.
He saw my blog the next day and appologised to me.But i had to be so stupid to tell him partially how i feel.
He got so irritated that he told me he wished he was like Es...that he doesnt have to feel bad when he is out late...because, he said that i made him feel guilty for not being on the fone with me....
i was too stunned for words...
all those night i stayed up till 12 plus 1 just to wait for him to go home so that i could at least talk to him on the journey...
all those nights i stayed up even when he couldn't give me a timing of what time he is going home...
All those nights i waited
a few times in vain...
and all he could say was that he needs freedom.

So i went back and tried again.For the past few days...i din wait for him to finish his work to talk.
I just slept at 11 when im done with mine.
Then on weds, i thought they made plans to go gombak gym then come pick me up frm sch to go town together, in the end it din happen...i got happy for nothing.Oh wells, i guess there was no promise involved.
we went out to watch rush hour 3.
At first they wanted to eat after the movie but i needed to go home so i told the guys nvm, the girls go home first.Then dar insisted that he will send me home.So i said ok...in the end...he was so busy on the fone he couldnt leave es and mouse and the 3 girls just patiently waited for them to make arrangements until we got abit irritated...thus i just went home with sy.Which is fine btw coz we live in the same block!!

About 10.30 he told me they were on the bus on their way to es's house to play overnight mahjong. So at 11 plus when i was about to slp i called him to sae good night and stuff. He told me that he just sent sum girl from his class home coz its on the way and she said her house der very dark.

Its unfair...he can leave es and mouse to send her home but not me...i got really upset last night but i din sae and i just cried myself to slp...
i woke up this morn feeling so bad that i din wanna go for pw meeting.But i guess it isnt fair to em if i put my emotions in the way.

When i rched his house i was feeling better but looking at him, last night came back...infact, the whole week came back... i really wanted to cry...its so unfair...

i ended up emoing so we kinda got into a tiff...he kept repeating that its not as if he wanted to...he kept asking me what i want him to do...
but i really duno... it got bad and i left but i ended up at his void deck coz i was so tired i din wanna walk anymore...

by some way i ended up at his house again and everything was fine...i happily went home...
and happily ate pizza(with abit of guilt)
Happy...until i was stupid again...just a few minutes ago, i had to go mention last night on the fone... I said that i din think going to commonwealth to send her home was counted as on the way... he agreed as well.

he said that its not as if he din wanna fetch me coz he knew that she was going to go home and so that he could fetch her....or sth like dat...i think...but the bottom line is that he did send her home and out of the way too

... i can forget...oh dear, pls just knock my head and let me go back to the start....

but i cnt forgive easily...

I try not to be affected...but everyword he saes and everything he does just have this huge impact on me... everytime im with him i feel so small...i like feeling small... but sometimes...soo small...so small that i feel insignificant...

When will my one litre of tears be used finished?



i love you


10:12 PM